"Post" Ipsa Loquitur

Baseball Widow is disappointed to announce that she will be discontinuing her fantasy team, The Eye-Candies, and the blog that chronicles them. Baseball Widow received a cease and desist letter from the representation of Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson. Portions of the letter are excerpted below. . .

". . . by undertaking your identification of visually stimulating baseball players, using such terms as "hot", "attractive", "cute", and "handsome", you intentionally and willfully maligned those members of Major League Baseball who do not meet your requirements. Our client, Mr. Johnson, was specifically injured by your statements that "If God had wanted men to have facial hair, he wouldn't have invented razors" and "mustaches are really ugly."

As Mr. Johnson's legal representation, we must insist that you immediately cease and desist your weblog (hereinafter "blog") entitled "The Eye-Candies", located at hypertext address http://eye-candies.blogspot.com. Failure to do so by 12:00 a.m. (Midnight) Eastern Standard Time on April 1, 2004 will result in legal action on Mr. Johnson's part."

Well, it was fun while it lasted, folks.

And for my next trick. . .

If I'd known it was this easy, I'd have asked a long time ago.

Baseball Widow laments the inadequacies of baseball announcers, and in roughly twelve hours, the Baseball Tonight Crew is bringing me the broadcast from Japan. Baseball Widow is so pleased, she won't even harp on Harold Reynolds.

Play (Fantasy) Ball

Later today, Baseball Hubby will post a breakdown, comparing his fantasy team to mine. Before he converts you with propaganda, Baseball Widow would like point out the following:

Tino Martinez--3 for 3, with a homer.
Looks like making the Eye-Candies team has boosted Tino's performance. All he needed was a little encouragement, guys.

Jose Cruz, Jr.--Homerun and stolen base
We're one game in, and the Eye-Candies already have numbers for every offensive stat.

And, lest we forget about Baseball Hubby's pitiful excuse for a team, Derek Jeter went 0 for 5.

Introducing Captain Obvious

Baseball Widow is hesitant to do a lot of things. . .like laundry, dishes, and vacuuming. She is not, however, hesitant to point out the shortcomings of others. (Don't worry, she can take it as well as she dishes.) On that note, Baseball Widow would like to share some recent gems. . .

Two verbatim quotes from announcers at a recent spring training game:
"Russ Ortiz can pitch."
"That man, Scott Rolen, is a baseball player."

Give me a Candi-coated break! Baseball announcers have what is, to Baseball Widow, the greatest job in the world: they are paid to watch ballgames and talk about what happens. Every syllable out of their mouths is money in the bank. Evidently Baseball Widow's standards are too high--how could she possibly expect insight on top of mere sound?

Perhaps a short play might explain my point.

Setting: any locker room, any time
Characters: almost any journalist, almost any athlete

Journalist: How's the [insert injured body part] feeling?

Athlete: You know, I'm just gonna take it one day at a time, give 110%, and play the game.

Journalist: How do you feel about [insert name of new coach]?

Athlete: Well, things have changed, but you know, I'm just gonna take it one day at a time, and go out there and give 110%.

Journalist: What do you think about Baseball Widow's blog?

Athlete: It's great, you know, she's always out there, just taking it one day at a time.

Note to ESPN and Fox: We call them players, not sayers. An ex-jock does not make a good sports announcer merely because he played the game. In fact, in most cases former players make terrible announcers (except at TBS, but they've got their own problems). For the love of peanuts and Cracker-Jack, please hire announcers with some discretion. Baseball Widow is always available and giving 110%.

UPDATE

Finally got around to posting some on Eye-Candies. . . in addition to the team's roster, the complete draft list is also there.

Insert Witty Title Here
Ran out of witty titles. Thought that "Drafted into My Heart" sounded terrible.

Here's the team--the real, honest-to-goodness, I'm-gonna-field-these-babies and see-how-they-do team.
Yahoo Public League 222110

C J. Lopez Bal.
1B T. Martinez TB
2B M. Young Tex.
3B E. Hinske Tor.
SS J. Reyes NYM
CF C. Biggio Hou.
LF P. Burrell Phi.
RF J. Cruz TB
Util J. Randa (3B) KC
BN B. Ausmus (C) Hou.
BN J. Mauer (C) Min.
BN E. Marrero (RF) Atl.
BN R. Klesko (1B) SD
BN J. Cirillo (3B) SD
SP T. Hudson Oak.
SP M. Mulder Oak.
RP B. Lidge Hou.
RP J. Wright Atl.
P E. Milton (SP) Phi.
P T. Wakefield (SP) Bos.
P J. Mays (SP,RP) Min.

Bandwagoners

Baseball Widow, she's such a trendsetter. . . Seth Speaks Stohs has just released his list of TV crushes, compiled in response to Al Rambling Bethke's tradition of naming his fantasy baseball teams after attractive actresses. Come on guys, using your blog to generate random lists of attractive people is so last month. . .

Alas, the season hasn't started yet, and news is slow, so Baseball Widow is happy to join this conversation. Below you'll find my predictions of the women who land on Baseball Hubby's first TV crush list. I'll have Hubby write in and agree or disagree.

Danica McKeller (The Wonder Years) and Danielle Fishel (Boy Meets World) both make the list, but Baseball Widow will bet her Mark Paul Gosselaar Posters that Marina Sirtis was Baseball Hubby's first TV crush. Ms. Sirtis portrayed Counselor Troi on Star Trek: The Next Generation. There must be something about Star Trek alien women 'cause Baseball Hubby can hardly take his eyes off of Enterprise's T'Pal.

As for Baseball Widow, although the aforementioned Mark Paul, known best as Zach Morris of Saved by the Bell might be her teen idol heartthrob, Pierce Bronson as Remington Steele in the TV Show of the same name set the standard for manhood before I even knew what a crush was.

And you thought losing A-Rod was scary. . .

Stephen King has announced that he will be co-authoring a chronicle of the 2004 Red Sox season.

This is great news. Stephen King is a good fiction writer, but he is an excellent non-fiction writer. Plus, he's the real thing when it comes to being a Red Sox fan, so I'm sure the account will be insightful.

Now, let's take a moment to appreciate some of the the non-horror goodness Stephen King has provided:

Movies: The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, Stand by Me

Books: Eyes of the Dragon, On Writing

Music (yes, music): The Rock Bottom Remainders

(Nerd Alert) Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

First, how about that title, eh? Latin and a pun? Sometimes Baseball Widow impresses herself.

Even though Baseball Widow supports Barry's right to keep his trade secrets and not coach his fellow teammates, he hasn't managed to be on a Series-winning team, has he?

One final word
One more installment regarding the Patrick/Dibble conversation, and I'm done.

Barry Bonds reportedly doesn't give hitting advice to anyone. . . can't risk that anyone might become as good as he, I suppose.

Actually, Baseball Widow is going to come down on Barry's side on this one. He trains hard--ask Gary Sheffield, himself a superior athlete who could barely keep up when they trained together a couple of off-seasons ago. Any tips, tricks, or secrets that Barry might discover during the process are certainly well-deserved. It probably is unreasonable to expect him to just give them away to anyone who asks. As I said before, you don't have to be bff.

Clearly, something about the ESPN News conversation struck a nerve with Baseball Widow; I've devoted three posts to it now. I think it comes down to that grade-school mentality--the seriously misplaced idea that you can better yourself by mistreating others. All's fair in love and war, guys, but this is baseball, so let's work hard, play nice, and concentrate our negative energy on overthrowing Bud Selig.

It's about time. . .

Baseball Widow apologizes from the bottom of her Hubby-lovin' heart: sorry I didn't get this up yesterday as promised.

If you'll recall Thursday's discussion, conveniently located two posts down, Baseball Widow was reflecting upon comments by Dan Patrick and Rob Dibble. I think I've sufficiently covered my opinions of men who could be so childish as to intentionally give bad advice. A topic left open, however, is that of the veterans who might eschew proffering bad advice but still go out of their way to be unhelpful.

Roger Clemens: only hangs with pitchers. Claims it would be hard to pitch with all his glowering glory if he actually liked a batter, especially one who had been a former teammate. Excuse me? Are we in middle school? Roger, Baseball Widow knows it's tough. One day you're teammates, hanging in the hotel, watching Days of our Lives. The next day the tradewinds fly your little friend to another team. But Rodge, you can play on opposite teams and still be friends. You don't have to be bff (that's best friends forever, for those of you who were never middle-school-aged girls), but the next time you're facing Mike Piazza, give him a smile, maybe a little wink, you never know. . . you don't play together, but maybe you could be penpals.

Gotta head to Durham, NC--a working weekend. Be back on Monday with more on short-sighted veteran players.

It Never Pays to Accept Free Advice

Baseball Widow's Rule of Thumb on Advice:
Advice is free; It's good advice that will cost you.

ESPN Radio's Dan Patrick and Rob Dibble chatting about young minor leaguers in camp. . .
Dibble says it's not uncommon for some vets to purposely give bad advice to the youngsters.

Before delving into the meat of the statement, Baseball Widow would like to reflect on the passive aggressive language "not uncommon." Baseball Widow won't promise accuracy in the quoting, but she thinks that's what he said. Dibble didn't say it was common, mind you. He just said it was not uncommon. So now when stories start flying about the narcissistic oldtimers, Dibble can't be accused of starting the brouhaha. Not he; he didn't say it happened every day. He just said that it's not uncommon. Oh, if only someone had said that steroid use was not uncommon, think of the pandemonium we could have been spared. "Steroids? No, I wouldn't say they're in common use. They might be not uncommon, but I wouldn't say they're common." Somedays I feel we're closer and closer to (nerd alert) Ingsoc.

Why would veteran players give newbies bad advice? Clearly, because the geezers are nuts. They feel threatened by the prospects, who, upon turning in a good performance might (gasp!) take their jobs. So they play mind games, they psych them out. Any good Southern Belle knows that killing 'em with kindness is more than a metaphor. How many young women have been denied their Tri-Delt bid after a Big Sis slammed them with the moniker "nice"?

Read any pop-psychology book on working and playing with others: good leaders encourage the growth and promise of their underlings. It's almost axiomatic that if you surround yourself with greatness, you can't help but become greater than you were. On the other hand, if you fear the quality of your colleagues and desperately try to keep their abilities oppressed, you will succeed in surrounding yourself with garbage. And what happens when you stand next to garbage long enough? There ya go.

Ever notice how you'll hear talk about So-and-so, who's been great at helping out the younger guys on the team? Do you ever hear about What's-his-name, who's infamous for being surly with rookies? Of course you don't. Here are two possible reasons why:

1. It's rare that a guy will step up and help out the new kids. Rare activities are reported as news. Remember, things that happen every day are not newsworthy. How often do you hear news reports when it rains in Seattle? Baseball Widow has more ideas on the sensationalism and feedback loops of the News Cycle, but that's another post.

Or,

2. Perhaps there's a code of ethics in sports reporting that prevents journalists from codifying dugout practices. Remember the outcry against Jim Bouton when Ball Four was published?

Either way, it's interesting, and we'll come back to this later. In the meantime, wouldn't it be funny if the "not uncommon" steroid use in baseball is actually the result of bad advice from veterans who are just hanging on at the end of their careers--trying to get younger guys to fall into unhealthy habits? What if Dusty Baker had turned to rookie teammate Jose Canseco in 1985 and said, "You know, kid, if ya really want to make it big you should use steroids. Steroids, yeah, that's the ticket."

In the words of Homer Simpson, Baseball Widow is not not licking toads.

Because one blog doesn't satisfy your Baseball Widow needs

Here it is: eye-candies.blogspot.com

The new blog will be devoted to the Eye-Candies. There you'll find reprints of all the Baseball Widow posts as well as additional commentary, including the draft order, the final team roster, and statistical analysis courtesy of Baseball Hubby. It's not completely up-to-date yet, but I hope to have it in shape soon.

Here are the long-promised outfielders.

Craig Biggio (Houston)
Pat Burrell (Philly)
Jose Cruz, Jr. (Tampa Bay)
Carlos Beltran (K.C.)
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle) With a picture like that, how could I say no?
Eli Marrero (Atlanta)
Gary Sheffield (N.Y. Yankees)
Geoff Jenkins (Milwaukee)
Juan Encarnacion (L.A.)
Jeffrey Hammonds (San Francisco)

Three Reasons Why Pedro Martinez is Way Cooler than You'll Ever Be

Just caught a Peter Gammons interview with Pedro. Below are the highlights, paraphrased.

3. When asked about last year's American League Championship series in which he hit Karim Garcia with a pitch, Pedro put it in perspective, saying, "Who is he? Pedro Martinez is a 10-year veteran of professional baseball. Who is Karim Garcia?"

2. When asked about the scuffle between him and Don Zimmer, the former Yankees bench coach, Pedro said "Why would anyone think I wanted to hurt a man as old as my Daddy?"

1. When asked about new teammate Curt Schilling, Pedro said that Schilling is good--"He's another Pedro Martinez." And that one is a direct quote, my friends.

She's outta here

Baseball Widow is taking a quick vacation--camping in the Great Smoggies. (Give a hoot, don't pollute!)

Check back on Monday when I'll post the outfielders and launch the Eye-Candies blog.

These Fellas Made the Short List

Jose Reyes (New York Mets)
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
Chris Woodward (Toronto)
Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankees)
Rafael Furcal (Atlanta)

Before you point out that A-Rod no longer plays shortstop, remember that this is a fantasy team, so he's eligible for the spot.

Furky is another one of those guys whose heart earned him a roster spot. Have you ever seen him round third and head home when there's another guy behind him? He looks back over his shoulder slightly, and windmills his arm to encourage his teammate home. It's one of the goofiest things that any major league player does, and it's one of the greatest. Baseball Widow can't wait until the first time she sees it on TBS this season.

Is Drew Alright? He's Five by Five!

Baseball Hubby is psyched to note that J.D. Drew has homered in each of his first five games. To top that off, today the Braves finally won.

If God had wanted men to have facial hair, He wouldn't have invented razors.

Ah, pitchers. . . They may call it a team sport, but you and you alone bear the outcome in the form of an official stat. It's a heavy burden, I know. The face that you put forth on the mound must intimidate from sixty feet away.

Baseball Widow understands the need to look like a bad-ass, but facial hair? There's got to be a better way, guys. So many of you could have made the team, if only you'd get those whiskers under control.

Starters
Mark Mulder (Oakland)
Tim Hudson (Oakland)
Eric Milton (Philadelphia)
Tim Wakefield (Boston)
Scott Erikson (Baltimore)

Relievers
Brad Lidge (Houston)
Octavio Dotel (Houston)
Jaret Wright (Atlanta)
Steve Karsay (New York Yankees)
Rob Nen (San Fran)

Baseball Widow didn't differentiate between middle relief and closers because mustaches are really ugly, and I reached my tolerance for this category very quickly.